Fired for the First Time

I was fired several days ago. I had been working for the company for about 4 months and, in that time, I made a couple of big mistakes that effected our clients. I understand that their decision to let me go was a sound one as far as business decisions go... at least on the surface. But that certainly doesn't change the fact that I feel like I didn't really have a chance to succeed at my job and I'm not sure anyone else they might hire will do any better unless they get extremely lucky.

Because of the sensitive nature of the job I had, I won't tell you who I worked for or what mistakes I made. Some of you already know anyway. I can publicly share that I was working for a high-volume funeral service company. 

The reason I feel like this job was built for failure is the training. I was given several days of "training" which consisted of me being in the office with someone else who had been doing this job for at least a year. But in those several days, since there was only one computer, I spent 80% of the time watching my supervisor do her job and the other 20% fumbling around trying to do my job while my coworker read the newspaper. 

But because this was a very complex and ever-changing job with a laundry list of responsibilities, there was no way I could have learned everything I needed to know in that time. I was left to fend for myself, sometimes the only person in the building for most of a 10-hour shift. In the entire time I was working there, I never got to a point where I felt like I knew what I was doing. I was always having to find someone to answer my questions. 

Not knowing my job made me extremely nervous because I knew my role in the company was important and I had a very clear and direct impact on a lot of people, in a very difficult time for them. Unfortunately, being nervous made me make even more mistakes. 

I don't feel like it would be fair to disclose my wages but I will say that I made as much per hour as I was paying my babysitter - no more. And I was very lucky to find a babysitter who didn't charge more than my boss was willing to pay me. On top of that, my hours were crazy, they don't provide insurance or any other benefits unless you manage to go full-time (which may or may not happen after a year of diligent service), and I didn't get breaks at all... even on days when I worked 10 hours or more straight. 

I was really dedicated to my job. It was important to me for a variety of reasons. The two most significant of which were that having a job is fundamentally important to me and does amazing things for my self confidence and that I was doing something that I considered to be important for society. So it hurt to lose my job. But perhaps I'm better off since they let me go.

Goals for 2012

• Save enough money by June to road trip with the kids back to Texas so they can spend some real, quality time with my sister and mom.
• See The Lorax
• Find a babysitter who can come to my house so I don't have to leave for work an hour and a half early
• Get a bike
• Enroll the twins in school
• Plant and grow something
• Bake at least 10 different recipes... even if they don't all turn out
• Continue working where I work and getting better at it
• Spend a weekend or more straight in the mountains with the kids
• Read at least 5 books (it's a low goal because I'm a busy momma)
• Pay off the credit card I used for Christmas shopping
• Go out by myself at least twice a month
• Go out with David without the kids at least twice a month
• Take the kids out to do something special at least twice a month
• Re-surface my dining room table
• Actually use my fireplace
• Find a good dance class for myself and/or the twins
• Sew curtains for all of the windows and the sliding door
• See a sleep specialist
• Set aside time to relax

A Year In Review: 2011

This year seems full of possibilities and opportunities. Last year, in retrospect, feels like a struggle to get where I am now.

I'm not exactly living the dream. My apartment is still kind of a mess, my bedroom especially so. I still have trust and emotional abuse issues to sort out, which is metaphorically about the same as having a cluttered bedroom. I really don't get paid enough to justify having to pay a babysitter.

But on the bright side, I like my apartment and it signifies a huge success for me in an area of my life that desperately needed one... and where I really doubted myself. I'm growing as a person so much I can feel it, which is glorious even though it hurts. And I am working in the industry I've wanted to be in since I was a teenager (which is why they can get away with paying me so little without worrying about me quitting).

Last year:

• I left Hawaii and came back home to the world I know, where everyone I loved welcomed me back. 
• I gave my dad another chance, and he failed. The time spent with him hurt me more than it helped, but I was strong enough to put my foot down and walk away this time. 
• In fairness, I won't even try to describe how this came about, but my husband and I are parting ways. I'm convinced this is best for both of us, in the long run... and will prove to be better for the kids than what they were dealing with before. I will concede I was certainly not ready to be married and we got married too quickly and without good reason. I submit that he was also not ready to be married, and that neither of us treated the other well... for various reasons.
• My kids got to spend some time with my mother and sister in Texas, where they met my sister's dad... who loves them endlessly. They broke so many barriers in their fear of water and swimming and we plan to take them back for some fun in the summer.
• I got a job at a funeral home. It's not quite what I want to be doing and the pay is vastly different from what I would prefer, but it's where I want to be. Besides, I got extremely lucky and got hired by the best funeral service group in the state (and I'm not being biased). My job is complex and difficult and every day is different. I still have questions about my duties, months into it. 
• I found a fairly nice apartment in a good neighborhood just a short drive from work. Which is good because driving in the snow at 6:30 in the morning is... not exactly the highlight of my life.
• I drove in the snow for the first time. And it was... terrifying but not disastrous and I've gotten pretty good at it. At 6:30 in the morning, I am also not awake enough to access the "pump the brakes, turn into the slide" part of my brain. I drove REALLY slow but I made it to work on time, and I felt like a superhero. As a result of this experience, I also learned that the cord Atlas chewed apart when we lived in Hawaii was actually an essential component of my anti-lock brake system... and got that fixed.
• I had my first (last?) Mojito and I would not be terribly hurt if that never happened again. Who puts leaves in a drink? I don't even like ice in my drinks! I'll stick with margaritas or bourbon. 
• I've been to the Denver Aquarium, with the kids and without them. I went to the Denver Zoo without them (I'll go back with them when it gets warmer). It turns out, I just enjoy doing things typically considered to be "for kids". 
• I spent a pretty good amount of time outside with David, my grampa, Matt, and my dog... speaking of which...
• I got a dog. She and I are good friends and she unwittingly pulled me through a very depressing and difficult time just by being there and needing me. When the kids were gone and I was calling all over Denver looking for a job, getting turned down, cranking out resumes and comparing myself to a high-class hooker ("I feel like I'm trying to sell myself to employers, but at least I have standards"), Eos needed me to take her out... so I had to get up every morning. She needed me to feed her... so I had an excuse to take a break from cold calling and googling. She needed to go on walks... so I got fresh air. She was a great conversation starter... so I didn't lose all social contact. She needed and took well to training... so I got to accomplish something, even when I hadn't yet found a job. She never left me... so I was never alone. And she was a constant reminder that I had no choice but to succeed, because people (and a dog) were depending on me.
• I struggled with friends because I struggled with me. I went through a lot of upheaval and insecurity as well as emotional destruction last year. I was, and in some ways still am, broken and unstable. This is not what many people are used to seeing and I think some people don't fully understand it. Try to keep in mind that this is also not how I am used to feeling, and I'm probably not doing the best job at crisis management right now. I'm sorry. I'm sure I have hurt at least a few people in the wake of my personal conflicts. I hope to mend those wounds.
• I realized I have to let go. I need to stop micromanaging my life and that of those around me. I can't be in control of everything. It hurts too much and accomplishes so little. And I can't continue acting like I'm just fine when I'm not. I do my best to filter out the pain and find the grains of positive growth in everything, but that can't translate to just pretending not to be hurt in the first place.