I'm not exactly living the dream. My apartment is still kind of a mess, my bedroom especially so. I still have trust and emotional abuse issues to sort out, which is metaphorically about the same as having a cluttered bedroom. I really don't get paid enough to justify having to pay a babysitter.
But on the bright side, I like my apartment and it signifies a huge success for me in an area of my life that desperately needed one... and where I really doubted myself. I'm growing as a person so much I can feel it, which is glorious even though it hurts. And I am working in the industry I've wanted to be in since I was a teenager (which is why they can get away with paying me so little without worrying about me quitting).
Last year:
- I left Hawaii and came back home to the world I know, where everyone I loved welcomed me back.
- I gave my dad another chance, and he failed. The time spent with him hurt me more than it helped, but I was strong enough to put my foot down and walk away this time.
- In fairness, I won't even try to describe how this came about, but my husband and I are parting ways. I'm convinced this is best for both of us, in the long run... and will prove to be better for the kids than what they were dealing with before. I will concede I was certainly not ready to be married and we got married too quickly and without good reason. I submit that he was also not ready to be married, and that neither of us treated the other well... for various reasons.
- My kids got to spend some time with my mother and sister in Texas, where they met my sister's dad... who loves them endlessly. They broke so many barriers in their fear of water and swimming and we plan to take them back for some fun in the summer.
- I got a job at a funeral home. It's not quite what I want to be doing and the pay is vastly different from what I would prefer, but it's where I want to be. Besides, I got extremely lucky and got hired by the best funeral service group in the state (and I'm not being biased). My job is complex and difficult and every day is different. I still have questions about my duties, months into it.
- I found a fairly nice apartment in a good neighborhood just a short drive from work. Which is good because driving in the snow at 6:30 in the morning is... not exactly the highlight of my life.
- I drove in the snow for the first time. And it was... terrifying but not disastrous and I've gotten pretty good at it. At 6:30 in the morning, I am also not awake enough to access the "pump the brakes, turn into the slide" part of my brain. I drove REALLY slow but I made it to work on time, and I felt like a superhero. As a result of this experience, I also learned that the cord Atlas chewed apart when we lived in Hawaii was actually an essential component of my anti-lock brake system... and got that fixed.
- I had my first (last?) Mojito and I would not be terribly hurt if that never happened again. Who puts leaves in a drink? I don't even like ice in my drinks! I'll stick with margaritas or bourbon.
- I've been to the Denver Aquarium, with the kids and without them. I went to the Denver Zoo without them (I'll go back with them when it gets warmer). It turns out, I just enjoy doing things typically considered to be "for kids".
- I spent a pretty good amount of time outside with David, my grampa, Matt, and my dog... speaking of which...
- I got a dog. She and I are good friends and she unwittingly pulled me through a very depressing and difficult time just by being there and needing me. When the kids were gone and I was calling all over Denver looking for a job, getting turned down, cranking out resumes and comparing myself to a high-class hooker ("I feel like I'm trying to sell myself to employers, but at least I have standards"), Eos needed me to take her out... so I had to get up every morning. She needed me to feed her... so I had an excuse to take a break from cold calling and googling. She needed to go on walks... so I got fresh air. She was a great conversation starter... so I didn't lose all social contact. She needed and took well to training... so I got to accomplish something, even when I hadn't yet found a job. She never left me... so I was never alone. And she was a constant reminder that I had no choice but to succeed, because people (and a dog) were depending on me.
- I struggled with friends because I struggled with me. I went through a lot of upheaval and insecurity as well as emotional destruction last year. I was, and in some ways still am, broken and unstable. This is not what many people are used to seeing and I think some people don't fully understand it. Try to keep in mind that this is also not how I am used to feeling, and I'm probably not doing the best job at crisis management right now. I'm sorry. I'm sure I have hurt at least a few people in the wake of my personal conflicts. I hope to mend those wounds.
- I realized I have to let go. I need to stop micromanaging my life and that of those around me. I can't be in control of everything. It hurts too much and accomplishes so little. And I can't continue acting like I'm just fine when I'm not. I do my best to filter out the pain and find the grains of positive growth in everything, but that can't translate to just pretending not to be hurt in the first place.
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