courtesy and common sense

I'm not writing this to be a fire starter. I just want to get it off of my chest and make unmistakably clear just where I stand, so I'm going to blur the details.

I'm not a feminist lesbian. I adore men, but I don't think they are all created equal. Or maybe they're just not raised to be equal. The point is this: some of them are less adorable than others. The trouble at the moment is I don't stand for sexism, (certain forms of) weakness, dishonesty, or willful ignorance/stupidity. Unfortunately, there has been a peripheral male in my life who exhibits some, if not all, of these qualities, though I'm not sure which.

Thankfully, I've never met this... guy. He's just damaging people I care about.

So I'm going to simply put down in words some things I believe to be true that relate to this... guy:

1. If you put it on the internet, it is public information. No one is invading your privacy by reading it. Everyone knows that, save maybe the elderly and the very young. We are the internet generation. I've had a computer since I was first learning to spell (maybe before that) and I have long known the rules of the internet. Also, I know you're not an idiot
2. If he/she only wants to be with you on his/her whim, he/she is a waste of your time. It has been my personal experience that people need to trust and rely on each other. If your partner is only available when he/she wants you and not when you want him/her... tell your partner to fuck right off and see what happens. THAT is when you will see if they actually care. Don't try to MAKE it work, because I guarantee you're not going to want to continue MAKING it work for the rest of your life. How long can you hold that burden?
3. Babies are more important than men, or women for that matter. Additionally, they're a huge and long-term obligation. You're in it or you're not, and either one is fine. You do not have the "fair-weather-father" option, so make up your mind. Pregnant women are fragile and panicked, especially when its their first. Pick your pregnant ex, or your other ex (you know: the one who's still in love with her cheating husband). Don't be impulsive. Don't be a dick. Besides, you're better off being alone (or castrated) than behaving the way you currently are.
4. Honesty is far more fruitful than temporarily attempting to save your ass (and you're a terrible liar). I'm not sure if you're maliciously fabricating stories with the intention of continuing to philander or if you're simply too weak to be honest to a couple of women. I'm not sure if I care. Either one is incredibly unbecoming. Maybe you just want to avoid hurting these fragile ladies... maybe. That's the best scenario I can conjure up. But it still leaves you far outside the modern era, and weak. We're strong these days and most of us would rather hear the truth now than figure it out on our own later. And finding out later does significantly more damage. If you can't take the fiery anger of a couple of women, you should probably off yourself now. The world is full of us because men like you have been stepping all over us for far too long.

Don't worry too much about your pregnant ex girlfriend. I'll be there for her because I love her and support her. I always have. She'll be fine, even though she doesn't always believe that to be true. Worry, instead, about growing a spine (or, if you prefer the analogous colloquialism: a pair of balls). Your life will suck until you do.

Proud Mama

This weekend, one of my twins did something that made me swell with pride.

There was a Groupon for Jumpstreet for more than half off, so we all went. It was fantastic. I actually can't believe how smoothly it went. Not a single fit was thrown, not even when the two-year-old was worn out and bonked her head on the fire extinguisher case on the way out. Those facts alone would be enough to make a busy mama proud. But what made it particularly special was a little bit of five-year-old drama and how my girl handled it.

While all of the kids were on the kid trampolines, "twin-b" (so-called by the doctors because she was born second) acquired a tail. A little boy was chasing her around for quite a while. It seemed, from an outside perspective, like they were having fun. I suppose that's the result of not being able to hear what they were saying over the joyful screeching of a room filled with bouncing children. Besides, she had such a good attitude and was smiling almost constantly.

She eventually came to where we were sitting on the side-lines to tell us that boy said she was a loser... but she's not a loser... so she told him, "I'm not a loser. And I don't want to talk to you ever again."And she was pleased with herself. Of course, I was also pleased with her. I was glowing over her self esteem and preschooler conviction.

But the boy kept chasing her around. As it turns out, he was still just taunting her with "loser" and it was starting to upset her. She came to me to tell me he wouldn't stop. Since conviction and an order of cease fire had failed, I armed her for her return to battle.

"He's calling you a loser?"
"Yes."
"Are you a loser?"
"No."
"Then he's a liar, and you can tell him that."

And it wasn't long before that little boy was running to his daddy to point at my daughter and say, "she's being mean to me." But, by then, his daddy was fully aware of the origins of this little scuffle, because he was sitting right next to me on the side-lines all along.

Oh the hilarity. And how bursting with pride I am. :D

Fired for the First Time

I was fired several days ago. I had been working for the company for about 4 months and, in that time, I made a couple of big mistakes that effected our clients. I understand that their decision to let me go was a sound one as far as business decisions go... at least on the surface. But that certainly doesn't change the fact that I feel like I didn't really have a chance to succeed at my job and I'm not sure anyone else they might hire will do any better unless they get extremely lucky.

Because of the sensitive nature of the job I had, I won't tell you who I worked for or what mistakes I made. Some of you already know anyway. I can publicly share that I was working for a high-volume funeral service company. 

The reason I feel like this job was built for failure is the training. I was given several days of "training" which consisted of me being in the office with someone else who had been doing this job for at least a year. But in those several days, since there was only one computer, I spent 80% of the time watching my supervisor do her job and the other 20% fumbling around trying to do my job while my coworker read the newspaper. 

But because this was a very complex and ever-changing job with a laundry list of responsibilities, there was no way I could have learned everything I needed to know in that time. I was left to fend for myself, sometimes the only person in the building for most of a 10-hour shift. In the entire time I was working there, I never got to a point where I felt like I knew what I was doing. I was always having to find someone to answer my questions. 

Not knowing my job made me extremely nervous because I knew my role in the company was important and I had a very clear and direct impact on a lot of people, in a very difficult time for them. Unfortunately, being nervous made me make even more mistakes. 

I don't feel like it would be fair to disclose my wages but I will say that I made as much per hour as I was paying my babysitter - no more. And I was very lucky to find a babysitter who didn't charge more than my boss was willing to pay me. On top of that, my hours were crazy, they don't provide insurance or any other benefits unless you manage to go full-time (which may or may not happen after a year of diligent service), and I didn't get breaks at all... even on days when I worked 10 hours or more straight. 

I was really dedicated to my job. It was important to me for a variety of reasons. The two most significant of which were that having a job is fundamentally important to me and does amazing things for my self confidence and that I was doing something that I considered to be important for society. So it hurt to lose my job. But perhaps I'm better off since they let me go.

Goals for 2012

• Save enough money by June to road trip with the kids back to Texas so they can spend some real, quality time with my sister and mom.
• See The Lorax
• Find a babysitter who can come to my house so I don't have to leave for work an hour and a half early
• Get a bike
• Enroll the twins in school
• Plant and grow something
• Bake at least 10 different recipes... even if they don't all turn out
• Continue working where I work and getting better at it
• Spend a weekend or more straight in the mountains with the kids
• Read at least 5 books (it's a low goal because I'm a busy momma)
• Pay off the credit card I used for Christmas shopping
• Go out by myself at least twice a month
• Go out with David without the kids at least twice a month
• Take the kids out to do something special at least twice a month
• Re-surface my dining room table
• Actually use my fireplace
• Find a good dance class for myself and/or the twins
• Sew curtains for all of the windows and the sliding door
• See a sleep specialist
• Set aside time to relax

A Year In Review: 2011

This year seems full of possibilities and opportunities. Last year, in retrospect, feels like a struggle to get where I am now.

I'm not exactly living the dream. My apartment is still kind of a mess, my bedroom especially so. I still have trust and emotional abuse issues to sort out, which is metaphorically about the same as having a cluttered bedroom. I really don't get paid enough to justify having to pay a babysitter.

But on the bright side, I like my apartment and it signifies a huge success for me in an area of my life that desperately needed one... and where I really doubted myself. I'm growing as a person so much I can feel it, which is glorious even though it hurts. And I am working in the industry I've wanted to be in since I was a teenager (which is why they can get away with paying me so little without worrying about me quitting).

Last year:

• I left Hawaii and came back home to the world I know, where everyone I loved welcomed me back. 
• I gave my dad another chance, and he failed. The time spent with him hurt me more than it helped, but I was strong enough to put my foot down and walk away this time. 
• In fairness, I won't even try to describe how this came about, but my husband and I are parting ways. I'm convinced this is best for both of us, in the long run... and will prove to be better for the kids than what they were dealing with before. I will concede I was certainly not ready to be married and we got married too quickly and without good reason. I submit that he was also not ready to be married, and that neither of us treated the other well... for various reasons.
• My kids got to spend some time with my mother and sister in Texas, where they met my sister's dad... who loves them endlessly. They broke so many barriers in their fear of water and swimming and we plan to take them back for some fun in the summer.
• I got a job at a funeral home. It's not quite what I want to be doing and the pay is vastly different from what I would prefer, but it's where I want to be. Besides, I got extremely lucky and got hired by the best funeral service group in the state (and I'm not being biased). My job is complex and difficult and every day is different. I still have questions about my duties, months into it. 
• I found a fairly nice apartment in a good neighborhood just a short drive from work. Which is good because driving in the snow at 6:30 in the morning is... not exactly the highlight of my life.
• I drove in the snow for the first time. And it was... terrifying but not disastrous and I've gotten pretty good at it. At 6:30 in the morning, I am also not awake enough to access the "pump the brakes, turn into the slide" part of my brain. I drove REALLY slow but I made it to work on time, and I felt like a superhero. As a result of this experience, I also learned that the cord Atlas chewed apart when we lived in Hawaii was actually an essential component of my anti-lock brake system... and got that fixed.
• I had my first (last?) Mojito and I would not be terribly hurt if that never happened again. Who puts leaves in a drink? I don't even like ice in my drinks! I'll stick with margaritas or bourbon. 
• I've been to the Denver Aquarium, with the kids and without them. I went to the Denver Zoo without them (I'll go back with them when it gets warmer). It turns out, I just enjoy doing things typically considered to be "for kids". 
• I spent a pretty good amount of time outside with David, my grampa, Matt, and my dog... speaking of which...
• I got a dog. She and I are good friends and she unwittingly pulled me through a very depressing and difficult time just by being there and needing me. When the kids were gone and I was calling all over Denver looking for a job, getting turned down, cranking out resumes and comparing myself to a high-class hooker ("I feel like I'm trying to sell myself to employers, but at least I have standards"), Eos needed me to take her out... so I had to get up every morning. She needed me to feed her... so I had an excuse to take a break from cold calling and googling. She needed to go on walks... so I got fresh air. She was a great conversation starter... so I didn't lose all social contact. She needed and took well to training... so I got to accomplish something, even when I hadn't yet found a job. She never left me... so I was never alone. And she was a constant reminder that I had no choice but to succeed, because people (and a dog) were depending on me.
• I struggled with friends because I struggled with me. I went through a lot of upheaval and insecurity as well as emotional destruction last year. I was, and in some ways still am, broken and unstable. This is not what many people are used to seeing and I think some people don't fully understand it. Try to keep in mind that this is also not how I am used to feeling, and I'm probably not doing the best job at crisis management right now. I'm sorry. I'm sure I have hurt at least a few people in the wake of my personal conflicts. I hope to mend those wounds.
• I realized I have to let go. I need to stop micromanaging my life and that of those around me. I can't be in control of everything. It hurts too much and accomplishes so little. And I can't continue acting like I'm just fine when I'm not. I do my best to filter out the pain and find the grains of positive growth in everything, but that can't translate to just pretending not to be hurt in the first place. 

In the Beginning (cont.)

When I found out I was pregnant, I specifically decided that I was not going to solidify my relationship with their father just for the sake of having a nuclear family. I was only 19 and I wasn't ready to make that sort of commitment. Of course, my fear of settling down drove him away because it seemed to him that I was interested in anyone but him. Really I was interested in denying and running away from what was happening. I was terrified of being a mother, because I had never really wanted children. My career had always been my main focus.

Still, I decided not to bother with my own personal goals for a while, when the twins were little. The pregnancy went smoothly, but they were born a month early and their underdeveloped digestive tracts left them grumpy and difficult. I was a very protective mother bear and wouldn't trust anyone else to care for them, under the circumstances. So I stayed home and focused on them for about a year and a half before I started distance learning classes online.

I studied visual communications at Westwood College Online, which allowed me to continue spending lots of time with my girls, who were still not talking and barely starting to be interested in the potty. I was so relieved not to have to put them in daycare.

For those of you who don't know, raising twins is not just like raising two kids of similar ages. If you've had "Irish twins", which I guess is what people call it when you have two babies about 9 months apart, you may think you understand... but it's not the same.

Before I expound on that topic too much, I should get back to the series of events that lead me to where I am. By the time I started taking classes at Westwood, I was living in Austin, Texas. I had moved there when I had nowhere else to go, shortly after I brought the girls home from the hospital. I moved in with a stranger who had an extra room, and tried to help out how I could with foodstamps.

That was a complicated and uncomfortable situation, and I was still extremely moody as a result of post partum depression and taking care of two babies on my own. And, at that point, I was avoiding their father out of bitterness for having been left alone in my first trimester to fend for myself in downtown Denver in the winter. It was near impossible for us to get along even on the phone when I was pregnant. He specifically told me he had no respect for me, and he never really listened to anything I said. Plus, by the time the twins were born he had joined the military; so his communications had become scarce anyway.

To Be Continued

Happy Thanksgiving

I am alone this Thanksgiving. My kids are at my sister's apartment in Texas, waiting for me to get things ready for them here in Colorado. It's almost all set up. I have a job that gets me in the door in the career I want. I get to move into my apartment next weekend, and I'm driving down to Texas to get them two weeks later. But, for now, I have to spend the holiday alone.

I'm thankful that my kids are all healthy. And since they are, I'm thankful that they're also smart and beautiful... but if they weren't, that would be fine. I'm thankful for my friends and my dog who got me through this. It was difficult to leave my girls behind and try to start a new life for us. It has made me a huge emotional wreck at times, but I bowed my head and powered forward through the pain. It wouldn't have been possible without my friends, the people who let me live with them when I had nowhere else to go and those who just loved and supported me however they could, even if they didn't realize it at the time. And I would spend far more hours lying in bed feeling sorry for myself if not for my dog.

I'm thankful for my mom and my sister, who are taking care of my children right now and I'm thankful for the money I've been able to send to help them every month. I'm thankful for the job I was given (or maybe I earned) even though I still feel like I can't do anything right there. I'm thankful for my many understanding and supportive coworkers.

Of course I'm thankful for the car that gets me to work, the heat that keeps me warm this season, the food I have been able to afford, clean running water, clothes to wear, soap to clean myself and everything else, a bed (or a couch as the case may be) to sleep on, the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

There are a lot of things to be thankful for and I doubt I could ever think of all of them. But when I think of how hard my life has been, I can't help but also think of how charmed it has been compared to that of people my age in so many other places. It's not perfect, but it's mine... and it's good. And I am thankful.